It's not uncommon for most people to feel some shame about making mistakes, causing inconvenience, not performing to expectations, or generally 'messing up.'

ADDers seem to feel shame kick in more often than others. This is probably because we grew up accumlating a history of various misdeeds and unintended offenses. Sadly, these were often attributed to laziness, carelessness, thoughtlessness, or downright sabotage.

You know how debilitating shame makes you feel. But have you ever really thought through the consequences that shame has on your actions, and its results? It's an eye-opener!

ADDers typically already have problems with procrastination and avoidance. When shame over the initial mishap creates paralysis, it makes the original problem much worse. Here are some real-life examples:

SHAME EXAMPLES:

• Shame over an extremely cluttered apartment kept Dana from hiring a cleaner and organizer to help. In the year that she waited, the clutter and piles multiplied to the point where Dana could barely stand to live there.



• Shame over misplaced project notes kept Mel from admitting their loss and replacing the information he needed. He subsequently wasn't able to complete the project, leading to complaints made to his boss, and a loss of credibility in his job.



• Shame over missing her tax accountant's deadline date caused Sheila to avoid calling the accountant altogether. Therefore, he did not file an extension for her, and her taxes went unfiled and unreported. By the time Sheila finally turned the taxes over to an accountant the next year (after needlessly changing accountants because of her embarassment), she owed a great deal of money in penalties.



• Shame over leaving his wallet in a taxi kept Frank from admitting the loss to his wife. Feeling too overwhelmed to consider everything at risk that was in the wallet, he just did the bare minimum of canceling his credit cards and didn't bother to file a police report. So a few months later, he had to spend enormous amounts of time and angst dealing with identity theft issues... plus his wife's hurt and mistrust.

What do these SHAME examples have in common? In each case, the original transgression was relatively minor, and could easily have been managed. But shame created avoidance behavior that led to much more serious consequences.

HOW to BREAK the SHAME CYCLE:

Here is an exercise to practice whenever you catch yourself wanting to avoid dealing with a situation because you're ashamed. Although it's easy to do this mentally, it's far more powerful to do it IN WRITING, so you can actually see it.

1. SITUATION and ACTION
   State what happened, and the logical step to deal with it.
   
   Here's an example from Anne, an attorney:
   What Happened: 'I can't find my client's documents, and they're due to be filed next week.'
   
Logical Step: 'Call the client to get duplicates of the documents.'

On paper, create 3 columns to represent possible outcomes of your actions:
a) Best Case, b) Most Likely, and c) Worst Case


2. OUTCOMES IF ACTION TAKEN
   Write under each column the outcomes that would happen if you took the logical step (in Anne's case, calling the client to request duplicates).
   
   
   • a) Best Case - 'Assistant answers the phone, resends the documents and doesn't bother telling the client.'
     
   • b) Most Likely - 'Assistant resends the documents and might mention it to client.'
   
   
   • c) Worst Case - 'Client answers the phone and makes a sarcastic, scathing remark.'
   
   
3. OUTCOMES IF ACTION AVOIDED
   Write under each column what the outcomes would be if you avoided the issue (in Anne's case, not telling the client and never filing the documents).
   • a) Best Case - 'Client forgets about it altogether, somehow it never comes up, and I don't get paid.'
   • b) Most Likely - 'Client will ask about the filing and be annoyed that I didn't contact him. Probably won't use my services again, and may write a complaint to the State Bar.'
   • c) Worst Case - 'Client experiences financial repurcussions due to my negligence and sues me for damages.'
   
   
4. COMPARE THE OUTCOMES and CHOOSE
   You'll probably find in all 3 columns that the outcomes are far more positive for taking action than for avoiding it!
   
   Your 'Most Likely' column should be realistic. If it's very close to 'Worst Case,' ask yourself what the proof is that such a negative effect is most likely. You may have a tendency to catastrophize.



5. DETERMINE THE STEPS required to take the chosen action.
   On your paper, break down the steps into their smallest components to make them easier to do.



6. DO IT and breathe a sigh of relief!