How many times a day does your thinking contain the word "should?"
"Should" implies an obligation that you don't necessarily want to perform, but feel that you have to.
Life is full of necessary activities that do, indeed, have to be done.
But so many of our "shoulds" involve an unnecessary prescription for HOW, WHEN and WHERE the activity is done. This is a problem for ADDers because we often do much better when we can go with our own flow instead of following conventional wisdom.
The Burden of "Should" Thinking
A lot of what keeps ADDers from being productive is the belief that they should do things a certain way. And that certain way is usually the way other people would best accomplish the task - but not the way YOU would. So instead of working out how you would accomplish the task your way, you feel guilty about failing to do it the way you "should" have.
When you spend all your energy attempting to go against your own flow, you end up swimming upstream and accomplishing nothing.
Most of the unspoken rules about how things should be done originated from people who think in a systematic, straight-line way. ADD thinking is generally more circular and intuitive. So this shows up in our tendencies to do things differently.
- Instead of reading a book straight through, you may be inclined to start books in the middle, or to skip around.
- Rather than analyzing facts to come up with a conclusion, you may have an idea for an solution first, and then go back to find the facts to support your rationale.
- Instead of rewarding yourself after the work is done, you may need to do something pleasant before being able to work.
How to Break the "SHOULD" Habit
1. PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR OWN NEEDS
By becoming consciously aware of the way you are most inclined to behave, you'll gain insight into your own flow.
- Rachel was a journalist for a weekly magazine. She loved to do in-depth research for her articles, but each week ended up in a stressful scramble to complete the writing on deadline. Every morning, Rachel came to work with the intention of getting right down to writing. Because she felt she SHOULD get hours of writing done in the morning, she tried to avoid starting the day with research that she wouldn't want to stop. But Rachel's brain did not flow easily into writing in the morning. So she would spend many mornings just feeling unmotivated and "stuck" until mid-afternoon. When she tried to FORCE her attention to writing, her brain just balked and refused to cooperate!
On the other hand, when Rachel didn't begin to try to write until 3:00 in the afternoon, the words came so easily that she had trouble tearing herself away to go home!
Rachel had based her thoughts of what her work flow "should" be on what she saw her colleagues doing. Once she accepted the reality of her own brain flow, she intentionally planned her day around research and phone interviews in the morning, with no self-imposed obligation to begin writing until afternoon. As a consequence, her entire day became far more productive on all fronts, and she no longer felt burdened by stress and guilt.
2. TURN "I SHOULD" INTO"WHY SHOULD I?"
Next time you catch yourself saying "I should," ask yourself why you should do it that way. If there is no clear rationale, give yourself permission to do it YOUR way.
- Do you believe you should go home and study - when you actually focus best in a noisy diner?
WHY should you study at home, if you've always had trouble concentrating at home? Sometimes the peace and quiet of home is the most distracting place for an ADDer to try to study or concentrate.
- Do you feel guilty that you set aside six hours on Sunday to organize your filing system - but you couldn't stand to work on it more than two hours?
WHY do you think you should attempt to spend a huge block of time on a task that you dread? Tackling it little by little, in small amounts of time, would be more attuned to your attention span. Yes, it might take longer, but at least it would get done!
- Do you think you should clean the kitchen right after you eat, when you'd prefer washing dishes while listening to the 10:00 News?
WHY feel compelled to jump up and clean right after dinner, just as you're feeling most relaxed? You may feel more inclined after some transitional time on computer, watching TV or reading.
3. COMPARE THE RESULTS
Remember, the point isn't to be purposely rebellious, but to examine what would be most productive for your accomplishment. So compare how well you do when following your own flow versus pushing yourself into a pattern that is a force-fit.
If you accomplish more doing things your own way, then banish the guilt, and think about how to incorporate your own flow into more aspects of your life.
Let's leave conventional wisdom to the conventional people.
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